I wrote this a while ago. I really need to remind myself to read it when I start feeling bad about myself and just life in general because it is such a good pick-me-up and reminds me of how far I’ve come. I really hope it can do the same for some of you guys as well. Love you all and remember that you ARE good enough<3
Things change a lot; people, situations, families, thoughts, feelings, minds…Being a kid sucks, but growing up is worse. We just so happen to be the generation that grew up too fast, though, and even if we wanted to slow down, we couldn’t. Because now the years seem so much shorter than they did when we were children; dirt covered faces, long and tangled hair, scratched knees concealed by Spongebob band-aids, and worry free, undeveloped minds. We had the whole world in front of us. We had dreams to fulfill. All we had was time. But now we’re almost on our own, and we look back on our short, but seemingly long, lives and think, “Where did it all go?” We made mistakes that we can never take back; we tell ourselves now that everything happens for a reason. We said and did things that were unforgivable, but somehow were forgiven; we tell ourselves now that we never deserved forgiveness. We changed, and slowly began to hate the person we were starting to become; we tell ourselves now that everyone changes and it’s just a part of life. But we always second guess ourselves, we’re so unsure. Nobody taught us how to forgive ourselves. Nobody taught us how to forget the past. Nobody taught us how to refrain from hurting the people we love. Nobody taught us how to live…so maybe that’s why we’re not really living. Nobody told us that we would have to be the ones to figure it all out.
I lost my breath once, and I’m still waiting for it to return. I lost my mind once, and it still feels lost on most days. I lost myself once, and I created someone new. I’ve changed so much on this journey to figure out who I am. I’ve gained knowledge and I’ve grasped a certain understanding of the world in which I live. I made mistakes that I can never undo, and the thought of each one lingers in every corner of my mind. But I’ve learned who I shouldn’t be, and what I should change about myself, from each one. I’ve come to know who I’m not, and I’m not who I was. I don’t know where I’ll end up in a year from now, and who’s to say I’ll be the same person I am today? There’s always room for change, and there’s always time to make a change, no matter how short each year seems to be now, or how fast time seems to fly. And me, I’ve fucked up a lot in my past; I’ve said hurtful things which ruined a life. I’ve manipulated my friends. I’ve completely picked at someone’s every insecurity. In this story, I’m the bad guy because the past is unforgettable to most. But I know I’m not that person anymore, and I know I have the ability to better myself, even if people don’t quite believe I can. I regret too much and, I admit, I’ve become bitter and I suppress a lot of hate towards myself. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself and make amends with who I was, but that’s the beauty of it; I’ll never know when or how it will happen, and that makes everyday seem meaningful, like life is worth living, now knowing I have something to live for…
My name is Shannon Alana Steffen. I’m 17 years old, but I feel so much older when I just want to be younger. I’m here, in this place and at this time, in this town within this overrated state, to find a way to forgive myself so I can continue living, and not just continue being alive.